…I have a headache.

No, seriously, I do have a splitting headache. I’ve been getting a lot of headaches over the past few days and I rarely get headaches. I’m afraid it is tooth related but I’m not a doctor/dentist, so who really knows. What I do know is that it comes back in the same spot over and over again; left side, temple area, but also, my upper left jaw area is aching as well. I have taken at least 8 to 10 Advil over the past 24-hours.

Now, where was I going with this blog entry to begin with? Something about relationships, and relationships with The Gent, and not feeling well. And when I don’t feel well I am a HUGE baby. I know, this admission puts me out of the realm of normal woman - where “normal woman” being able to take the weight of a freight train upon her shoulders and laugh at the foolish bearer of pain. Not me, I’m a baby, and I’m not afraid to confess this truth about myself.

When I am not feeling well, I also get a little weepy. I’ll start thinking of crap, like how much better things would be, “if only this”, and “if only that”, or “so-and-so has it so much better.” My God, I’ll even start to question if I should go through with marrying The Gent, come this November.

I question this because the situation I am in is not exactly what I had hoped for, and if he doesn’t want to bend a little, or at least even TRY a little, to make it all work out, then WHY should I get married, entering into something I will NOT be happy with? Huh? Why?

Should the woman dictate the relationship with “how this will be” or with “how that should be” in coming events, or the present for that matter? Is the man supposed to bend over backyard to make his mate happy, at all times and at any cost? You see, that is sort of how I have always had it in the past. Sort of. Or maybe it was just that my late husband and I had the same way of thinking about the way certain things should be.

If The Gent wants me to keep working at this full time job, that I hate so much, should I reconsider this whole marriage thing with him? And oh my gosh, we have talked, and talked, and re-talked this thing to death and back again. I see his points, all valid, in keeping this stupid job but I am so unhappy and it is such a dead end job. I mean it really is sucking the life right out of me.

Oh sure, I could go and get another job somewhere but I don’t want to do this type of work, at all, anytime, or anywhere else…ever. And dear God, I am 41 years old, what kind of “career change” can I make at this age, and with no formal education? Huh?

I’ve proposed, to The Gent, that I could quit my full time job - pursue my degree FULL time, work part time somewhere, and when I get my desired degree then go and get a real job, a good paying job somewhere else (one in which I desire) and then HE could quit HIS job. Did I mention he’s not thrilled with his own job? Yeah. I thought I had his attention for about three seconds and then he said, “What about insurance?” Damn, the dreaded insurance thing again.

I just can’t get anywhere with him with regards to this topic.

But then, I start to think to myself, “Self, why in the hell do you need his approval anyway?”

And I reply to myself with, “Because Carol, that is what people in relationships do, they are considerate of one another and they have to run stuff by each other to see if it will work out for everyone involved.”

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Pass the Advil please.

Tags: Headaches Relationships

Sex and The City Movie. Movie teasers, blogs, and photographs.

Coming soon!

You know what? I’m glad I moved now.

It’s funny, but when one is going through something that seems to kind of stink at the time how towards the end of it we can see why it should have been done unto us.

I see now. Thank you.

Why do people continue to insult our intelligence by saying they learned something via reading a book, magazine, or watching a movie? Why can’t they just admit to us that someone showed them, or they just practiced something long enough until they became really good at any given talent?

It pisses me off to be lied to this way.

I’ve been way too damned busy to blog anything of significant proportion. Yeah, like I really ever did that before, whatever.

The closing of selling my house happened yesterday. I took a whole day off of work for that event. The scheduled closing only lasted 30 minutes! Boy, things have changed since the last time I purchased a home. Anyway, I have mixed feelings about the whole deal. I’m glad I no longer have that payment, for a house I haven’t been living in for a year, but then again…it really finalizes a few chapters of my life and I feel like I have betrayed my late husband just a little bit. I’ll get over it.

Had to attend two other appointments yesterday as well, nothing serious, but that is why I ended up taking the whole day off.

Well anyway, I don’t have anything else to say.

Well, I think I have managed to post something to all of my blogs today. Good grief, I don’t know what I was thinking when I started all these blogs. Whatever. I reckon I just like blogging. So what.

Anyway, today is going to be packed full of fun. I need to get up out of this bed, here in a minute, and take a shower getting ready for the day. The Boy had a friend spend the night so we will have to drop him off at his place on our way to get our hair cut; both kiddies and me hold a ten o’clock appointment this morning.

After the hairs get cut then it’s time to come home and perform some household chores…ok that part isn’t so fun…but maybe I can sit and knit for a while or get some reading homework done, then we are off to a friend’s house later to help celebrate the 11th anniversary of her 29th birthday! I can’t tell you what gifts we are giving her because she reads this blog on occasion. Happy Birthday Llama!

OK, I’ve procrastinated enough…time to get ready for the day…right after I go smoke a cigarette.

Well, not really injured but I had a biopsy taken off the top of my head the other day and now it hurts. Plus, I have a splitting headache now. I’ll live though. Oh, and I have a stitch in my head, too, from where he took a hunk of skin out of my scalp.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment and I’m a little worried. But, I’ll just tell my hair gal what happened and ask her to be very careful! I am NOT rescheduling, I need a damned hair cut.

And thank GOD it’s Friday.

OK, that’s it, that’s all I’ve got. Well, there is more but I can’t type it here because I don’t know who is reading this and I can’t jeopardize something. LOL. Sorry for the cliff hanger. If this helps, it’s really no big deal.

Oh Oh, I know…I’ll do a password protected blog entry and then you can email me asking for the password if you want to read the lamo-super-seekrit-blog-post. LOL

How is everyone’s New Year’s resolution(s) coming along?

Yeah, exactly the reason I don’t make ‘em because it is a sure fire way to set yourself up for failure.

Come on, get up. It’s only for today.

{UPDATE} At the bottom of post.

The best song ever, of all time, and for me always will be.

It’s not just the lyrics but it’s also the melody, with the violins that catches my attention. The song is soothing. It can make me stop my thought process for a few minutes and reminds me to breathe again.

This song came out at a time when my late husband, Michael, and I were going through a bad part of our marriage. I had taken the kids and moved several states away to live with family and even took a job and was planning on not returning to Alabama, or to Michael, at that time. I was done. Or at least that is what I tried to tell myself, I tried to act and be all tough-like. But I knew deep down in my heart, gut, and soul that I really couldn’t leave Mike on a permanent basis, as much as I tried to though.

I believe the song came out a few months prior to me snapping and moving north. However, when I first heard the song, I mean really heard the song (lyrics) I was living in Indiana with family. I was working and even had The Girlchild enrolled in school. The Manchild was not quite school-aged when all of this went down. We had only just moved there, from Iowa. Yeah, I know…from Alabama to Iowa to Indiana back to Alabama again - all within a two month period. But I digress….

The reason for me leaving Michael, at that time in our lives, is not important. Anymore. Let’s just say that God could not perform His work while I was constantly there interrupting Him. Once I left, removed myself from the situation, things got better; imagine that, without my help too!

Anyway, I can’t remember the exact moment when I heard this song, specifically what I was doing at the time; I was probably driving my car to, or from, work. From what I can remember I had about a 20 - 30 minute drive. The melody probably struck me first, and then I heard the lyrics. Once I heard those words coming out of Pat Monahan’s mouth I knew I had to go home, to Alabama, to Michael. It surprised me how much of a gut wrenching honest acknowledgment of that nature sat well with me. I am not a person of decisiveness, at all. I can’t decide what my favorite color is most of the time. However, this song hit it home for me, so to speak.

The funny thing is that when Mike heard it, he also knew. He called me up, wanting to talk to the kids, and he told me to be on the listen for this new song out by Train. I didn’t tell him that I already heard it and knew what he meant.

Long story short. I went home. It was also a few days after 9/11 happened so that played a big part of it too. It just made me really think about what was important at that time. I needed to be home.

After being home for a while, and I can’t remember how long it was, is when we found out Mike was sick. Boy, I wish I could type so much more about this time in my life. I’m surprised I wrote as much as I have, thus far.

I have been thinking about Mike a lot lately and really thought I could blog about him now, but perhaps not. It seems I am becoming OK again, and in that - being OK with being OK, if that makes any sense at all. Perhaps it is the fact that I finally have a closing date on selling our house, maybe it’s because I’m finally getting some one on one counseling, or it could be that just enough time has finally passed, or who knows really. It’s time to move on and I’m good with that, I truly feel it deep within now.

This needs to be said, though - the grieving process is something no one can sit down and figure out, and it’s not something one can put down on paper and give to someone and say, “OK, here is what you are going to go through with this whole grieving process.” Sure, they can give it an outline so you won’t be taken completely off guard but the fact remains that everyone will do it their own way, in their own time.

Thank goodness that I have FINALLY come to accept that everyone grieves differently, their own way. I used to compare my grieving “process” (a word I have grown to hate - process) to the way other people have grieved, and are grieving. I can’t do that. I know God is in charge of that, for me, he lets me experience what my human condition can handle. That is what I believe anyway.

That song by Train, Drops of Jupiter, I haven’t heard in a very long time. However, over the past three weeks I have heard it at least six times on the radio at various times of the day. I remember when I first heard the song played on the radio, right after Mike died, and I remember the peaceful feeling that came over me and I think it was the first time I actually smiled, and meant it.

It may sound crazy to some folks, and I don’t care, but when I hear that song played on the radio today I know it’s Mike talking to me. The song plays a small part in my grieving process. Letting go one tiny lyric at a time but also preciously remembering my 11 year experience with Michael while he was here on earth.

Thank you. It’s all good.

{UPDATE} Found something while Stumbling and wanted to add it in here at the end. Like I said, I found it while Stumbling. Here’s the LINK if you want to go read the whole article.

There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.

I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal - whatever that means - again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss - but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.

The last sentence I especially like and is so very true!

It snowed yesterday. Not a lot, but it did snow. It flurried really hard for about 30 minutes. It wasn’t thick enough to stick to the ground, and here I was hoping for at least a good stiff 8 inches.

…..running away quickly!